I was told to confess. So I did.

I’m part of this *%&!($%&? writing challenge and write now I’m not so fond of Jeff Goins, the guy leading said challenge. Actually that’s not exactly true but I don’t like how uncomfortable I am with what/how he’s walking us through it. He says that’s a good thing. I know he’s write but it doesn’t mean I have to like it! (Yes I’m aware I’ve used ‘write’ wrong twice already but I’ve got writing on the brain.)

Here’s the deal. I have too many things to confess that I can’t decide on just one, so it’s taken me a long time to figure out what I’m willing to make myself vulnerable about. Today my kids helped me out a bit with that. Just when I thought things were clicking along tickity-boo, they tell me I’ve been absolutely miserable the past couple of weeks. Huh. How interesting. I know I’ve had the odd moment – I mean, don’t we all? But I had no idea it’s been as horrible as what they’re telling me. So 1) I feel stupid that I wasn’t aware because I like to think I’m an aware sort of person; and 2) if that’s what they’re observing I better figure it out…fast. They should not pay the price for my un-blissful-ness!

What runs through the recesses of my brain with this whole confession thing is that I don’t want to be perceived as negative. Then I think if I ‘say it’ in writing for the world to read that it will bring more of the same into my life because of course, we are what we think about and focus on. I’m scared to confess that I’m worried about perception or lack of perfection for fear of repercussion. And judgement. Really?

Anyway, in asking myself why my kids are saying what they’re saying, I realize there’s a lot going on inside my head and in my heart, and therein lies some of the confessing.

  • I confess I’ve effectively messed up 3 relationships in the last week alone.
  • I confess I’m mad at myself for some recent choices I’ve made. Not life altering ones – simple ones that add up to no good in the long run.
  • I confess that sometimes I hate being a single mom. Most days are great but sometimes it really sucks to be the 24/7 caregiver and stabilizer. I have some pretty great kids that I’m beyond grateful for but it doesn’t squash the yearning for shared connection and not going it alone all the time.
  • I confess I’m an obsessive thinker and after I publish this I will analyze it from every angle.

I’m aware now that I’ve allowed these things to niggle at me even though I didn’t think they were. Who we are in our truest form is who we are in our own space, with our own people closest to us. I’m not happy hearing that I’ve been miserable but don’t worry, I won’t beat myself up about it. Not too much anyway…

What I will do is turn it into some kind of writing, learning and doing so I can look back on this moment in time and confess that I listened to my kids, that I got back on my dinosaur (kids’ inside joke) and went off into the world to do great and mighty things, things that will bring happy home instead of the misery they have been subjected to as of late!

Enough confessed?! 🙂

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  1. #1 by May De Jesus-Palacpac on October 29, 2014 - 12:16 am

    Good job ‘fessin’ up! I guess there’s something about releasing, right? 😉

    • #2 by shandracarlson on October 29, 2014 - 6:02 am

      Haha May, you are so right. I love the saying, “Yesterday ended last night.” Every day allows us brand new choices and beginnings. Thanks for taking time to read and comment! 🙂

  2. #3 by Jennifer on October 29, 2014 - 10:16 am

    Shandra you really are an incredible woman. You shoulder a lot of responsibility and I know it has got to feel lonely and overwhelming, but you handle things with such grace and determination and strength. You inspire me to be a better person and recall how blessed I really am.

    • #4 by shandracarlson on October 29, 2014 - 9:48 pm

      Thank you Jen. I’m grateful for all the amazing people in my life and I know I’d be lost without the love and support I’m given. It makes me giddy to think I might inspire someone! 🙂 You rock.

  3. #5 by Shelley on October 29, 2014 - 5:16 pm

    Great blog Shandra! We all could do with a little confessing of our faults. I think that it is good for the soul and good for other people to know that we all have challenges in our lives and with ourselves. I have been in a funk for a few months now but feel like I am coming out of it and recognizing why I was perpetuating the downward spiral. I think that awareness is key in it all. We can’t change or explore what we are not aware of. Great confessing Shandra and maybe it will help us all to be ok with more of this kind of sharing 🙂

    • #6 by shandracarlson on October 29, 2014 - 9:51 pm

      Thanks Shelley. I’m okay with it as long as it’s opening up real conversation and openness. We do need more of that! 🙂

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    "Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do." ~ Jack Kerouac
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