I’m part of this *%&!($%&? writing challenge and write now I’m not so fond of Jeff Goins, the guy leading said challenge. Actually that’s not exactly true but I don’t like how uncomfortable I am with what/how he’s walking us through it. He says that’s a good thing. I know he’s write but it doesn’t mean I have to like it! (Yes I’m aware I’ve used ‘write’ wrong twice already but I’ve got writing on the brain.)
Here’s the deal. I have too many things to confess that I can’t decide on just one, so it’s taken me a long time to figure out what I’m willing to make myself vulnerable about. Today my kids helped me out a bit with that. Just when I thought things were clicking along tickity-boo, they tell me I’ve been absolutely miserable the past couple of weeks. Huh. How interesting. I know I’ve had the odd moment – I mean, don’t we all? But I had no idea it’s been as horrible as what they’re telling me. So 1) I feel stupid that I wasn’t aware because I like to think I’m an aware sort of person; and 2) if that’s what they’re observing I better figure it out…fast. They should not pay the price for my un-blissful-ness!
What runs through the recesses of my brain with this whole confession thing is that I don’t want to be perceived as negative. Then I think if I ‘say it’ in writing for the world to read that it will bring more of the same into my life because of course, we are what we think about and focus on. I’m scared to confess that I’m worried about perception or lack of perfection for fear of repercussion. And judgement. Really?
Anyway, in asking myself why my kids are saying what they’re saying, I realize there’s a lot going on inside my head and in my heart, and therein lies some of the confessing.
- I confess I’ve effectively messed up 3 relationships in the last week alone.
- I confess I’m mad at myself for some recent choices I’ve made. Not life altering ones – simple ones that add up to no good in the long run.
- I confess that sometimes I hate being a single mom. Most days are great but sometimes it really sucks to be the 24/7 caregiver and stabilizer. I have some pretty great kids that I’m beyond grateful for but it doesn’t squash the yearning for shared connection and not going it alone all the time.
- I confess I’m an obsessive thinker and after I publish this I will analyze it from every angle.
I’m aware now that I’ve allowed these things to niggle at me even though I didn’t think they were. Who we are in our truest form is who we are in our own space, with our own people closest to us. I’m not happy hearing that I’ve been miserable but don’t worry, I won’t beat myself up about it. Not too much anyway…
What I will do is turn it into some kind of writing, learning and doing so I can look back on this moment in time and confess that I listened to my kids, that I got back on my dinosaur (kids’ inside joke) and went off into the world to do great and mighty things, things that will bring happy home instead of the misery they have been subjected to as of late!
Enough confessed?! 🙂